"The Last Concert"

BLOGGING ABOUT WHATEVER

ENTRY - 21

TITLE: "The Last Concert"

AUTHOR: J. William Bell

DATE POSTED: 2026-04-02

I finally convinced my friend; Joe; to talk about an example of how his Ex-Wife abused him, and got his permission to share it in this blog.

Let's do our best to remember that not everybody is like Sherlock Holmes, Mr. Spock, or Aesop. Memories tend to be subjective when you decide to turn them into stories. And; because this is something that actually happened, while there also is a desire to protect the privacy and dignity of the people involved; certain names/details have been changed. From this point on, these will be Joe's words (paraphrased).

Because men and women are fundamentally different, it can be hard to understand ^why^ and ^how^ the person you married decides to hurt you, and by the time I figured out the ^when^ with my Ex, it really was way too late to fix anything.

The two of us lived out in the country, but in the case of my Ex-Missus; I technically had the more active social life between the two of us. I had a job that got me out of the house, I had lived in this community for years, so I had friends and family living nearby who I actively interacted with. My Ex had technically become ^independently-wealthy^ before we got married, so she didn't have to work for a living, and if she had wanted to spend the rest of her life being a hermit-in-the-middle-of-nowhere, she could have. And she was the kind of person who had to really complain before making changes to her life, so she moaned to me a lot about how hard it was for her to develop a social life that got her out of the house; and grumbled disrespectfully in my general direction whenever I pointed out to her that she could be more involved with the local church, try to find some pre-existing group in the community that shared her interests, or just try something new for a while (just for the sake of trying something new out).

Eventually, she joined up with band that did classical/concert/christian-hymnal style music, and I was very happy for her. She was getting out of the house once a week, interacting with other people close to her own age, and making music; which I assumed and hoped would be theraputic for her. It didn't occur to me that she was going to use this to indirectly hurt me.

After months of practices, the band finally got a gig doing a concert at a local church one Sunday afternoon. I was quietly excited and eager to attend. We went to the concert, together, and I gladly carried her instrument into the venue (I'm not going to tell you which instrument she played beyond the fact that it was something she had to put her mouth onto and blow, and in hindsight, I have realized that particular instrument got more action from her mouth than I ever did). I mostly understood why she didn't want to introduce me to any of her band-mates before the concert; some musicians need quiet and a chance to focus/calm-down before they play, and I respect that. So I took myself out for a walk before the concert, then got back a few minutes before the first song played. I enjoyed the music and gave the band some vigourous applause, because I believed that was the best way to show my support to my Ex-Wife and all that. Then, the concert was over and I walked up to my former-lover and congratulated her.

I was then promptly instructed to wait with her instrument while she socialized with the remaining members of the audience and her band-mates.

I didn't like this, and at the time; I really didn't understand why she decided to direct me like this. But in that moment-- with a little hindsight-- I realized this was how my Ex-Wife had decided to abuse me: Socially and Emotionally. I was good enough to be her Husband as long as I obeyed her like a trained dog, and assisted her like some sort of butler/slave. But apparently I was not good enough to be her Husband, and get to know her band-mates, and then engage them in some light conversation.

Back in that moment, I thought she was being her usual socially-inept/eccentric self, but now I know better. Now, and for many years since back then; I know her to be a petty, resentful, bitter, and vengeful hag! One day, for reasons that will only ever make sense to her, she decided to start pretending that she didn't have a Husband; and if I brought up any sort of complaint over this policy/treatment, she would gaslight me; and somehow try to make herself look like the victim. Or convince me that I was reading too much into her subtractions of basic human decency; to the man who had made a promise to God and whole bunch of witnesses that he was going to love, honour, and support his wife; and that she was expected to do the same!

Some ^experts^ call what she did to me, from then until the divorce process began: Emotionally-Checking-Out. I think some people who are younger than me would call it: Quietly-quitting. A late Uncle of mine would've called it: Subtle-passive-resistance-relationship sabotage. I can assure you that there were plenty of other things she did, and stopped doing, which helped me to figure out that our marriage was dead. And there is no way that I am ever going to be convinced that I should take her back!!!

But my heart still got broken, a lot. And there have been plenty of times where it feels like I'm living in a world where I am the only person who cares about that.

(End of Joe's words)

If you know a man who has gone through a divorce, and you are certain that he has been the primary or exclusive victim of spousal abuse; If you can: Be his friend. At the time that I am writing this; we are living in a world where too many men suffer in silence, and then they choose to end their pain through suicide.

I lost a friend to suicide; I didn't get to tell him that I'd rather he stayed alive and told me about his pain, instead of choosing to go away; forever.

Excelsior...